Jokes That Amuse Me
TEACHER ARRESTED.. - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'
When asked to comment on the arrest, President George Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
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March 2009 - An old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
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A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
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I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one! Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson. Rat poison only kills rats. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious! You guessed it! Famous last words.
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Once upon a time, there was a farmer who had a donkey. The donkey was always too tired to do any farming. The farmer tried everything to get the donkey to do work but the donkey would just sit down and fall asleep - right in the middle of plowing.
The farmer finally took the donkey to the local wizard for help. The wizard thought about the problem and looked over the donkey. He decided the best course of action would be to partially change the donkey into an animal with more energy.
The farmer was worried because he liked his donkey but the wizard seemed to know what he was doing. With some spells and muttering, the changed creature appreared......
The farmer brought the donkey to the fields but nothing had changed. The donkey still sat down and fell asleep at a moments notice.
The local witch wandered by and laughed. She said this must be the work of the wizard and it was clear that he would never see any productive work. "Why not?" asked the frustrated farmer. "Because, you fool....."
"Your ass is dragon!"
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http://www.beeker.net/humor/jokearchive/mail2.html#00046
______________________________________________
http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/queen111.shtml
http://www.amiright.com/misheard/lyrics-book.shtml
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment… Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, “don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking”
_______________________________________________
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep he hears a strange sound. It is a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning he asks the monks what the sound was. They say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded. I have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are correct and now you are a monk. We shall show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally the monks say, "This is the key to the last door".
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...
. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'
When asked to comment on the arrest, President George Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
____________________________________________________
March 2009 - An old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
________________________________________________
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
________________________________________________
I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one! Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson. Rat poison only kills rats. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious! You guessed it! Famous last words.
________________________________________________
Once upon a time, there was a farmer who had a donkey. The donkey was always too tired to do any farming. The farmer tried everything to get the donkey to do work but the donkey would just sit down and fall asleep - right in the middle of plowing.
The farmer finally took the donkey to the local wizard for help. The wizard thought about the problem and looked over the donkey. He decided the best course of action would be to partially change the donkey into an animal with more energy.
The farmer was worried because he liked his donkey but the wizard seemed to know what he was doing. With some spells and muttering, the changed creature appreared......
The farmer brought the donkey to the fields but nothing had changed. The donkey still sat down and fell asleep at a moments notice.
The local witch wandered by and laughed. She said this must be the work of the wizard and it was clear that he would never see any productive work. "Why not?" asked the frustrated farmer. "Because, you fool....."
"Your ass is dragon!"
________________________________________________
http://www.beeker.net/humor/jokearchive/mail2.html#00046
______________________________________________
http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/queen111.shtml
http://www.amiright.com/misheard/lyrics-book.shtml
________________________________________________
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment… Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, “don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking”
_______________________________________________
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep he hears a strange sound. It is a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning he asks the monks what the sound was. They say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded. I have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are correct and now you are a monk. We shall show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally the monks say, "This is the key to the last door".
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...
. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.